A tale of two blogs

I have two blogs why I do not know..I had a vague reason that one I would vent my worst of times and in the other I would strive to work to uplift my spiritual side and be in denial and achieve spiritually numb state of my emotional, intellectual and reptile brain equivalent to being comfortably numb state in the Pink Floyd song. I have always thought that the buddhist state of equanimity was this comfortably numb state the way to nirvana was numbing relief of non engagement brought about by meditation induced endorphins..Something that narcotics and depressents give you after the euphoria and before the crush and the crash, the I do not give a Fuckedness feeling and attitude.. right now I am listening to the song as a teenager I believed that not feeling was the key that you had attain to achieve a state of divinity..It is one reason why charismatic religions scared me as a youth..And yet I now belong to a circle that loves drumming and ecstatic dancing.. and I like it because unlike the emotion brought on by the witnessing the guilt, the horror, the relief at redemption as a teenager I once felt it..Ecstatic dancing allows me to feel that moment before, feeling evolved, before thought, before consciousnes arises...The way we listened to Pink floyd while stoned there was a beauty as though the next deeper brain wave pattern would bring us face to face with God. In many ways Long distance running can bring that on the feeling. In fact I had almost ruined my right knee because I could not give up the need for speed it was not speed it was the feeling after the euphoria the fifteenth mile and the slide into the I do not give a Fuckedness... The recovery movement and the anti-drug czar keep dwelling on the horror of drug use(there are many) but are extremely reluctant to look at the fact that getting high is a experience that sometimes border on the most holy and high and all that from the skanky drug dealer on the corner. It is why we send addicts to pseudo-recovery programs that are simply revival meeting couched in psycho-babble hoping to repeat the connection to the divine achieved in the drug high. With the drug addicts and penitnent service may-be if they pray enough and meditate enough they will achieve addict equanimity the state of I Do NOt give a Fuckedness. May-be that is why they do not allow recovery addicts to have an opinion..To feel any outrage at social injustice..We all need to be smiling little emotionally repressed and guilted clones waiting for Hale Bop and the mothership. As a teenager and young adult when angry at parents and/or husband I would park on Pacific Highway above the SAnta Monica beach, and watch the tanker come in deliviering crude oil to the refineries further south, watch the container ships leave with american goods we manufactured things then in the USA, sometime a tramp steamer old and proud sail by of to the south seas may-be with the 70's version Jean Harlow hitching a ride. Ships and being numb sometimes were life's only proof that God exists and loves us. By trying to force spiritual experiences on people addicted to drugs physically and emotionally we do them a disservice and then always end up blaming the addict for their lack of recovery. When there really NEEDS TO BE to true concrete medical physical and psychological treatment for them..And maybe discover a physical activity that can help create a comfortably numb feeling.. Oh but that would take concerted indivividual treatment when it so cheaper and expedient to send the addict to a free 12-step meeting. merrie part from the hinterlands

such a liitle thing

Today I went awanderin I went walking at the lake to do my daily walk. The Sky was overcast and for the hour and 20 minutes it promised to rain> I love a stormy sky and it is one of the reasons I love the plains...If texas could accomadatingly flood and kansas be scrunched into a mountain range it would be more perfect here than in california...But the plains are the steppes of AMerica and to me it calls to some ancient nomadic genes...Both sides of my family where steppe dwellers the european and the asian sides...I hate the Heat of summer but I love winter and I love it especially if spring and summer are wet. What is great about the lake is that with the democrats in control of the city...they have adopted a policy of allowing large swathes of the land in the park to return to native species of foliage...with this has come a return of many bird species and so the park is alive...With the abundance of rabbit this season, the wild cats are leaving the birds alone...For three years the plains have been in drought and now the lake is full...When the rains started to come and the lake filled up people began arriving to fish at night after work young men and couples were showing up...The geese are back and it is most beautiful, I am most thankful to the storm gods for their generosity. I was walking and I felt A great deal of happiness and as I walked and got my exercise...Out of the bottom of my brain came the thought thank Goddess I am fat....At that moment I had a appreciation for being a Fatty...Why would I have such a heretical thought??? What blasphemy is this???Why even young feminists would rather be oppressed than fat...Being fat proves I do not have the discipline to be truely radical and strong...Sorry I am obese and I cannot run the perequisite 10 miles a day that ran as young woman but I can bench-press 100 pounds and high-row 95 pounds and amaze the trainers at our gym when my husband runs me through my weight lifting routine...The equation of fat and weak by the slenderati is a funny one. When it comes to weight lifting I have never lifted at such high weight when thin. I might not be fast but I am not weak...I am very lucky that in my life I have lived fat, thin and fragile. I have been ill in thiness and in obesity....I am not brain dead I do wish to weigh less but I am no longer tormented by that wish...The tyranny of slenderness is gone and no I am not what society says is a normal weight(a living coat hanger for clothes size with hugemongous boobs)...Nor am I the healthy weight bigot size normal( you can weight as much as your grandmother did at 20, forgetting that the depression and wwII food scarcity had a great deal todo with the svelte figure) Which means you screwed unless you look like marilyn Monroe or Scarlett Johansson...The thing is that being slender is a terrible thing if you are like 98 percent of society and do not heave coal for a living and come from famine prone countries or your ancestors did. Fat is only bad now because it is a feature prominent to poor people...If tomorrow every fat person could genetically remove from themselves and their descendants the fat genes in them...Rich people and the middle class would be mainlining cool whip...Fatty porn would be enshrined in playboy and CAmeron Manheim and Kristy Alley would be fashion Icons.... The slenderati really do not have fat people interest at heart and Having been slenderati it is simply spite and jealousy that informs their action and beliefs...To say fat people donot care about their health is ludicrous I know many that refuse to smoke or quit smoking for reasons of health. I do not see amongst the slender such health motivation as many smoke to make not eating palatable...But the most Ironic is that the more of a pain in the ass you are to the fat ones the greater is the occurance of you becoming a Fatty as you age...Oh low is level and the pride of the formerly slender and now fat...But If one can put aside the self loathing and disgust in oneself that western society demands from fatsos... there are perks... Men do not hit on you continuely especially when they see the ring on your finger...(what ever made men think putting a ring on a finger of a woman would magically make her out of bounds and they think Harry Potter people are gullible)... no nasty remark and cat-calls walking down the street...No one wants to Fuck with a angry fat woman and Buffalo Bill withstanding serial killers are afraid of fat women...That is why they do not kill their obnoxious female relatives...So there is a joy to being fat and if you exercise diligently and wisely alot of physical ailments of fatness are negated.... Will the charming sexist bastards want to date you??? no!!! even if they are in to fatties image is all to them, but who cares that is another plus and a major one it prevents heartache and divorce and being taken to the cleaners Fat people of the world unite....No longer allow the Elitist Slenderati to control your happiness and self- love....And enjoy your meal...